Vulnerability

I went to the woods today. It was 53 degrees in January! I had to go!

But I spent the whole time worried that I would be attacked. Happens every time. I hate it. I want to enjoy the energy I feel when I’m in nature, but I end up feeling vulnerable and afraid. 

I finally sat down by the river and asked Spirit to help me.

“You ARE vulnerable,” I heard. 

Oh.

I saw that I am not safe, EVER. There are all kinds of things that can “get” me - viruses and microbes, storms, falling trees, cars, cold, heat, accidents, attacks (people and animal), cancer…and my greatest fear - having a heart attack while sitting on the toilet and being found with my pants around my ankles, my head on the floor, and my bare ass sticking up in the air.

I am never safe. Ever. 

The last few years - especially since Covid (although that just may have been a convenient excuse to do what I was already doing) - I have lived with a constant hum of fear. I isolated. I stopped planning. Kind of a suspended animation. 

In many ways, this was beneficial for me. I spent a lot of time working on myself and my spirituality. I read a lot. Took online classes. I learned and grew. I actually feel better than I ever have.

Today, however, I saw how limited my life has become. Nothing major. I’m not agoraphobic. No OCD. I still see friends and do things. There’s just this…self-restraint. 

This is not how I want to live my life.

So how do I get out of this?

Spirit said, “Embrace your vulnerability!”

Seems there are some benefits to admitting and accepting my vulnerability, according to Spirit.

First, I am more apt to depend on others, maybe even start to trust people. Not easy for me.

Next, it allows me to empathize with others. As an empath, I have always been able to feel what others are feeling. But admitting my vulnerability helps me understand others’ vulnerabilities in a conscious way. Good information for my shamanic healing practice.

Last - and best! - it sets me free! 

Because no matter what I do or don’t do - I AM GOING TO DIE. 

There’s no way out! I’m going to die. I can sit in my house for the next 30 years keeping myself safe from all the outside stuff, but that heart attack (and the resulting post-mortem humiliation) can still get me.

It’s amazingly liberating! 

How do I live my life from now on? Knowing I am vulnerable. Knowing I will never be safe. Knowing I am going to die.

With wild abandon! 

I’m still me, so there won’t be any skydiving or white-water rafting. But I give myself permission to be open to possibilities, to opportunities.

It’s an exciting time to be me!